Disconnection...

This last week was terrifying.  I understood that chilling sense of disassociation that comes from that place that no one likes to talk about.  "That place" where dark thoughts reign supreme, and emotion has no power. "That place" where, standing in a room full of people, you stand alone, adrift in a sea of nothingness. No feeling, no emotion, no connection. Voices are brash and abrasive, and faces all meld together. "That place" where, by any means necessary, you make yourself feel alive.  I don't know if it's depression, lack of sleep, stress, or a combination of any of the above, but I do know, that that was a place that scares me to think about.  It is sometimes easy to forget that I am not alone. Mine was a short walk, a matter of days, where for some, it's never ending.  I read something recently that stated "respect those that make time for you in their busy schedule, but love those who never look at their schedule when you need them". My friends M&B did that for me.  I hope one day to be able to do that for someone else.  "That place" can be brightened up with a little help.

Motherhood....

Being a mother is one of the best...wait, correction: it's not one of, it's THE best job a woman can have.  Not only do you get to grow that fragile life inside of you for 9 months, but you get to spend the next 18 years wearing your heart outside of your body.  You get to watch the development from egg to baby through the marvels of technology, and then the development from childhood into snotty-know-it-all  into adulthood (after which YOU are a raving lunatic!) up close and personal. You get to sit through homework, baseball practices, PTA meetings, Parent/Teacher conferences. You get the "but I'm not tired"s at bedtime, the "I don't like green beans" at dinner, and the "I can't find..."s as you are rushing to get out the door before your child is late for the third time this week.  You get midnight feedings, spit-up stained t-shirts, eyes that come equipped with their own set of Gucci luggage, cold dinners, and three square feet in a bed that (here the nerd in me speaks, and yes I did the math) is about twenty-seven square feet.  You struggle not to cry as your child gets her shots, or as she gets on the bus for the first day of school, or walks down the aisle at graduation. You spend copious amounts of money on shoes he will wear twice, or a skirt that started below her knees but is now a miniskirt. You patiently again, for the thousandth time,explain that the boy on the motorcycle will not be taking her out on aforementioned death-rocket, followed by apoplectic fit when you see her on such two days later.
In case I haven't given enough examples, I will simply state : BEING A MOTHER IS TOUGH. But what I seek to remind you (and occasionally, myself) is that, no matter how tough it is,we, The Mothers, are tougher.

Loneliness...

As I sit here waiting for my daughter's return from a play date, I am struck by the knowledge that I am alone. There is no one on the sofa, in the bath, in the other room, or out on the balcony. It's just me.  Alone. The silence of the apartment fills my head.
The desire to fill the void is overwhelming. So, I start thinking.  For those that know me, those words are as ominous as storm clouds. I am alone, but more serious than that is the fact that I am lonely.  There is a huge difference between the two.  Being alone ends at some point or another.  My daughter will come home, a friend will stop by, I will go to work. People abound in my life, but still, I am lonely.  Loneliness is an insidious creature that eats away at confidence, vitality, comfort, and soul.  It makes you question things in your life that should NEVER be questioned, like who you are, what value you have, or the importance of you just being. I wish for so many things, but the thing I wish for most, is the comfort of my own "self". I have beaten this beast before, and I will do it again.

Causes...

As most of my friends are aware, I am not shy about voicing opinions or asking for an ear when it comes to things I am passionate about.  That being said, it's time to hop on my soapbox and ask for a minute of your time. Childhood is a time for growth, exploration, learning, simplicity, and health to enjoy all of the above.  However, there are many children who are not able to grow, explore, or learn because they lack the last item: health.  With so many childhood diseases and illness, and tragic cases of abuse or neglect, it is hard to fathom why we would want to bring a child into this world, until you have one of your own.  You realize that one of the greatest blessings in life is holding and nurturing that child inside your body, and as the saying goes, wearing your heart outside your body.  I have many friends whose children are labeled "special needs".  Various illnesses or genetic abnormalities have blasted a hole in the idyllic life that many of them once had pictured.  It is a constant struggle to gain recognition, assistance, or even acceptance in a world more concerned with perfection than humanity.  Cerebral Palsy, SMA, Autism, ADHD, Cystic Fibrosis, Down's syndrome, Prader-Willi Syndrome, Dyslexia...All of these are real, heart-rending conditions that many of my friends compete with on a daily basis, and I am amazed everyday by their strength, courage, and resilience.  I see the looks, hear the comments, watch the rude behavior toward them and it infuriates me. When will learn the lesson? There is a blog called The Life Unexpected.  Check it out...and remember: Blessed are the children, and their parents for they are the ones with valor.

Tact...

One of the things I like least about social media is the distance it places between you and your contact.  Things like inflection, tone, and body language are all a part of communication and they are lost when typing a message into a cold computer. You lose the chance to be caring, loving, concerned, or snarky. Unless, of course, you use those fun little emoticons...blech.  I got an email the other day from a family member that was, let's just say, rude. Don't know that that was how it was meant, but that is how it came across.  No greeting, no how are you, just smack-me-in-the-face with the disappointment and bad news, then ending with "have a happy holiday". Really? Is that what communication has boiled down to? Is that how we want our loved ones to find out about the things that are going on in our lives? The truly sad part is that that is exactly how she communicates in person.  It's awful.
Occasionally we say things that can seem thoughtless, or hurtful, and most of the time we try to atone for them once they pass our lips, but, now, it seems it has become the norm for sarcasm and digs to live in relative ease among our conversation.  "Just sayin'" has become the socially acceptable term used to alleviate guilt about something cruel that was said.  I know I am guilty of taking potshots at friends and I assume that most of those that I do it to understand that it is with humor that I do so, but such is not always the case.  I do hope that those of you who are ever hurt by what I say, call me on it.  It's not okay to hurt someone's feelings...EVER...and remember that with out the 90% of communication that is non-verbal, things can get out of hand really quickly.

Life...

"Life is what you make of it, so make it worth your while, to greet each day with love and hope, and give your dreams a smile". Simple statement. Profound message. I am amazed by what can develop out of a morning that starts with "It's gonna be a good day". Life isn't always easy and can't always be tied with neat little bows, but the reality is that if you wake up thinking it's going to be a bad day, chances are it will. I refuse to believe that what happens in life is beyond our control.  Somethings, sure, but the ordinary day to day stuff, not so much.

It's often hard to remember this attitude when you wake up in pain, tired, nervous, stressed, and worried about the million and one details that are your existence, but you must. I must. 

Father's Day...

Father's Day. A day to honor and thank the men in your life who were there to give you love, support, encouragement, punishments, and something to rail against as you were developing your independence. I was fortunate to have two such men in my life, and actually, I still am.  I am so thankful to both my father and my step-father for all of the things they have done for me.

I haven't always had the best of relationships with either man, we have butted heads and disappointed each other on more than one occasion, but we have also had our share of great times, and laughing moments that I will always remember. They have taught me so much about life and I can't wait for the lessons they will be able to teach my daughter. Though many miles separate us right now, I hope they know how very close to my heart they are!  HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO GRAMPA DARLING AND GRAMPA UPPIES!  WE LOVE YOU!

Friendship...part 1...

Someone once said that friends are family that you choose. I believe that. So many of my friends are, indeed, a part of my family.  My crazy, wonderful, neurotic, fabulous, dramatic, and, all other ways, family. No two of my friends are the same. They all bring something wonderful to the table. I have amazing stories to tell from so many great times spent with them, and I have some not-so-amazing stories, too. I have a list of friends who have been and gone, and I still thank them for the lessons that they taught me (Not all of them good, of course, but still...). Time and distance separate a lot of us, but I am closer to many who are far away than a lot who are right next door. The ones who are meant to stay in our lives, will and do.  Those are friendships to treasure.

Lucky kid...great town...

My daughter is a lucky kid.  We don't have much, but we have a lot more than some, and for that, I am thankful.  However, there are times when I wish I could provide so much more than what I do for my daughter. I work 40+ hours a week between my job and cleaning my daughter's day care so I can afford to take her there. I work right through the swimming lessons, karate, dance, and horseback riding lessons that so many of her friends take, but even if they weren't right in the middle of my work day, I wouldn't be able to afford them anyway.  So what's a mom to do?  

Well, in this town, a mom just has to ask for a little help.  This year has been a big year for little miss...She got to take ballet lessons from a wonderful woman who put her on a scholarship after scheduling a Saturday class, and she's getting swimming lessons and a week at a horseback riding camp from women who need some help around their houses.  It will require a little more sweat from Mama, but hey, let's face it, we are willing to pretty much do anything for our kids right?!  I am so proud to live in a community that understands that we can't all spend green paper to be able to provide fun, safe, learning experiences for our kids!  Don't get me wrong, I don't want her booked every minute of everyday, and, in fact, have not schedule more than one thing at a time since we started all of this, but I want her to find her "happy". You don't find it unless you try, right? We tried the T-ball thing, and she says she doesn't want to do it next year (bummer for Mom, who is a 30 year baseball/softball junkie!), but let's see what next season brings!

I digress. The point to this story is that I live in a town that helps kids like mine experience things that a lot of children in our circumstances may not. I hope one day that she pays it forward to another kid who might need a leg up!  

Family...

I guess you could say that I come from a motley crew. We come in many different shapes and sizes, carry different religious, and political beliefs, don't get me started on socio-economic status, and even sexual orientation. The thing is, I love this unlikely group. The sad part is, I don't know most of them. We are scattered here and there across the country, and, in some cases, around the world, but some are almost right in my backyard.  I seem to live isolated from all but a few of them. In a perfect world, we would all be able to gather at least once every few years to celebrate our connections with one another, sharing laughter, tears, joy and sorrow, reveling in the newest members of our clan and mourning the loss of others, but this is not a perfect world. Instead, I have family I haven't seen in 15+ years, and more than a few I wouldn't know if I passed them on the street.  I've been lucky that I have been able to reconnect with a few through sources like Facebook, and I am truly happy that I have, but I am saddened that it has come to this. Maybe I am an idealist in that I believe that family, no matter how dysfunctional we may be, is still family, and, short of one committing some completely heinous crime, you treasure them. 

I am blessed with the gift of having not just two sides of a family (mother and father), but four, with each of my parents having remarried.  While I know that the original two sides will never combine again, I am saddened by the fact that I don't even get to see many of those extended family members or get to share in their lives, nor do I get to share mine. I would love to see or connect with any additional members that I may not know, or at least hear their stories through one of you that I am in touch with. I have so few memories of much of my father's family, and many of my mother's don't even speak to one another. I miss the connection. I  feel like I am missing out on so much. 

My story...

I have come the conclusion, lately, that my world is nuts. Not in a bad way, mind you, but in a way that makes each day an experience that I don't want to miss.  There are good days, and bad; trips through emotion that can send you soaring or plummeting to depths unimaginable, but they are all worth living. We find ways to connect with other travelers on the path of life and sometimes, oftentimes, we find lessons in who we are, who we were, or who we are meant to be.  This blog is my story.  A sharing of my thoughts, experiences, friendship, laughter, and tears.